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Harry Potter and the Goblet of Awesome,
or,
To Sue Her Is To Love Her

by lizbee


cesario: I once did a corn maze at night.
lizbee: Oooh, scary.
cesario: Everyone else seemed to think so. Unfortunately I was born with a keen sense of direction and was out in five minutes.
lizbee: Man, GoF would have been really anticlimactic if you'd been a Champion.
lizbee: Aside from the bit where Voldemort killed you, I mean.
cesario: So in this scenario am I Krum, Cedric, or Fleur? Or a fifth champion, representing the homeschooled wizard students of America?
lizbee: Oh, definitely the latter.
lizbee: You're there because all the other homeschooled wizards were burnt at the stake by their pastors.
lizbee: You just happened to be fireproof.
cesario: ...you're sort of taking away from the awesomeness implied by my l33t maze-navigating skills, here.
lizbee: Oh, sorry, right.
cesario: How did I not die in the first two tasks?
lizbee: 1. What was the first task again? Oh right, dragons. You transfigured the dragon's legs into Easter eggs, which effectively immobilised it, but you were later censured by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Dragons. Which is to say, Hagrid stopped inviting you around for tea.
lizbee: 2. Obviously, the second task was especially challenging, what with how you loathe the water, and yes, a scottish lake is a far cry from Florida beaches, but it does have a squid. Fortunately, your trusty offsider had befriended the squid, and in fact persuaded it to assist you in your search. Which was good, because your offsider was the cherished object you had to rescue, and she's not too happy about being an "object", actually. Once you'd gotten over your initial reaction (OH SHIT ITS EYES ARE AS BIG AS MY HEAD WOULDN'T IT BE EASIER TO SET PROFESSOR SNAPE UP WITH MADAME PINCE FOR A NIGHT OF HOT LOVING???), it was a successful task.
cesario: ...did you actually just force me to band together with a squid?
cesario: A for-fuck's-sake squid?
lizbee: Yes.
lizbee: Sorry.
lizbee: It was the only thing I could come up with.
lizbee: And, you see, if I'm trapped at the bottom of the lake, I need rescuers I can rely upon
cesario: YOU CANNOT RELY ON ANYTHING THAT IS TAXONOMICALLY DEFINED AS A CARNIVOROUS MOLLUSC.
cesario: WHEN WILL YOU EVER LEARN.
lizbee: IT HAS NEVER LET ME DOWN YET
cesario: ....*sigh*
cesario: fine.
cesario: What about the Third Task?
lizbee: The real challenge with the maze was escaping Moody.
lizbee: Fortunately, your unerring sense of direction took you straight into the maze, out of his direct reach, and when Krum attempted to cast Crucio on you, you shot off a nicely judged dentistry hex (toothus britishus) and for the next few minutes he was distracted by the teeth growing through his chin.
cesario: Yes, I've always been fond of that one. I had extra tutoring from my American dueling coach in toothus britishus. We do like to laugh at the English.
lizbee: Have you ever read Elizabeth George's novels?
cesario: No.
cesario: ---WAIT, WHAT, YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT YET, HOW DO I DIE?
lizbee: VOLDEMORT!
lizbee: DEATH BY PORTKEY CUP!
cesario: What, it's a three-way tie? Why don't I stun Harry and Cedric and run for the cup myself?
lizbee: Feel free, but you'll still die.
cesario: Yes, but I risk upsetting the plot of the book.
lizbee: Yes, true.
cesario: Actually, by preventing Voldemort taking Harry's blood, I will basically damn the wizarding world to eternal tyranny and slavery.
cesario: Unless you stop me.
lizbee: Hey, I didn't say you made a good Sue.
lizbee: But the important thing is that Snape won't end up dead in a shack.
cesario: Now, I just don't see that.
cesario: Unless you're predicting that my death leaves him so distraught he leaves his job as a spy and retires to the south of France.
lizbee: Yes.
lizbee: Because you were the greatest student he never had.
lizbee: He and the squid mourn you together on the shores of the Mediterranean.
cesario: Did they hang black Sparklypoo banners in the Great Hall when I died?
lizbee: Yes.
lizbee: They were black with glittery bits.
lizbee: It was very sad.
lizbee: Harry cried for days.
lizbee: Rita Skeeter wrote your unauthorised biography.
cesario: Harry caught a cold wandering through the maze for hours after Moody sealed off the exits and I cheated him out of the---oh.
lizbee: Although truthfully, she just cobbled it together out of unpublished novels and bits of fanfic.
cesario: THAT BITCH
cesario: I ALREADY SIGNED THE PAPERS WITH SLUGHORN.


lizbee:

"We must remember," said Dumbledore, weeping openly, "that, faced with the choice between what is right and what is easy, Branwyn chose what is--" He broke off as Snape stood up, leaned over and whispered in his ear. "Ah," the headmaster added, "Professor Snape has just informed me that he has completed his tests on the contents of Branwyn's hip flask, and the following students are to hand over their stills and present themselves for detention immediately after dinner: Fred Weasley, George Weasley, Ginny Weasley--"

"Ginny!" Ron whispered.

"Branwyn said she'd teach me how to mix a martini," said Ginny unblushingly, "and Professor Snape was really impressed with my potions marks this year--"

At the Head Table, Snape had drained Branwyn's hip flask dry, buried his face in his hands and begun to sob.

"Oh, Severus," said McGonagall.

"You try buying Bombay Sapphire on a teacher's salary," Snape sniffled, "Branwyn's bathtub gin was almost as good, and only two seventh years have gone mad so far..."

The entire Head Table broke down in tears.

cesario: I like how you basically imply that Branwyn Sue is a witch flapper.
lizbee: You keep all kinds of potions in your garters.
lizbee: And solve crimes.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
cidercupcakes
Jun. 6th, 2008 08:13 am (UTC)
Those last three lines pretty much sum up why you are my favorite.

Also, a series of novels about a witch flapper who solves crimes needs to exist, like, a lot. I think you're probably the last person who would need convincing of that fact, but just so we're all clear.

(Also, now I want you to tell me about my Sue, because when I try, it devolves into "AWESOME!")
fox1013
Jun. 6th, 2008 12:39 pm (UTC)
This entire post is amaaaaaaazing.

scrollgirl
Jun. 6th, 2008 02:25 pm (UTC)
*falls over laughing*

You guys are like this without the aid of recreational pharmaceuticals? AWESOME.
thedorkygirl
Jun. 6th, 2008 03:13 pm (UTC)
What were you making, Greekfirewhiskey?
prof_pangaea
Jun. 7th, 2008 12:40 am (UTC)
i love you two. so much.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )